SIX WEEKS IN

You know something, sweet ones?  I still think of you.  

Six weeks in.  That’s how long I’ve been home.  Six weeks.  

Do you know that the one thing I was terrified of hasn’t happened yet?  That’s because my God is great.  He never fails. 

Six weeks.  That’s more than enough time to be all “settled in,” yes?  Because for two weeks my blinking became long and slow at 8pm and I was asleep by 9.  For a week I couldn’t even hear those names or the tears would brim.  For two weeks I was just trying to survive.  The jet lag didn’t get to me like I thought it would.  I would go to bed thinking of them and wake up thinking of them.  I had so much school to do I thought, for the first time in my life (honestly), that I might not finish it on time.  There was grace for that, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  And for those two weeks, I begged God to not let me forget.  The emotions were fresh.  The aching for that place were realer than ever.  But still, I was terrified that over time that passion would leave.  The aching, the missing, the wondering.  

You know I still go to bed thinking of them.  I still wake up wondering about them.  I still spend every minute aching for them.  I still walk into Target feeling empty.  People still ask, and I still tell them it’s too hard to explain.  I still regret that, I still want people to understand.  Tears still fill my eyes when I hear that song.  She was still supposed to be my sister.  The days still feel empty and short.  I don’t know how to use all this in this land that is home.  I should have kissed his forehead one more time before leaving.  I still wish I knew what to say when people ask for “stories.”  I still pray for him before I fall asleep — the boy I didn’t get to say goodbye to.  

I honestly was scared out of my mind… that all of that^^ would not have stayed with me.  That it was going to be temporary… the rawness of it all.  

I was so scared I would be like so many others.  I was so scared it would be like the last time.  I did not want to see it come to a screeching halt and I did not want to see it become another thing “checked off the bucket list.”  So scared that it would just become a beautiful memory with no feelings attached. 

But He has given me prompts to pray.  He has given me “wow” moments.  He has given me emotions that are now permanently sewn onto the words of these songs and the names of these people.  And in the questions, He has given answers.  Maybe not written on a sign in huge letters, but He has answered.  He has whispered.  He has written on my heart.  And now I see, six weeks in, it’s not going anywhere.  He’s not letting it go.  And so… I’m not letting it go.  And in the moments of “really?” and the moments of “honestly?” I find another picture and I wonder.  I smell gasoline through the open window and I wonder.  I see glass bottles of Fanta and I wonder.  I miss them and I know.  

I asked the Lord to let my aching last.  Little did I know He was in the process of answering a lifelong question by saying yes.  

When it still aches six weeks in… when I still wonder six weeks in… when I still miss it six weeks in…… who would have known He would have answered in this way?